Tales of a Motherless Destination Wedding
💕This is by far my MOST REQUESTED post, and with good reason. It’s an important topic and it also helps that I added it to my COMING SOON section and then left it sitting there like that last slice of pizza with the least bit of toppings on it...nobody wants to touch that...but you know you do. That was on March 15th, and you haven’t heard a peep from me since. Talk about fear! (more on that later) Adulting has taught me that if you’re avoid something and it’s holding you back, that’s all the more reason to do dat shit!
SO I’M BACK and this is ohsoimportant and close to my heart. so do dat shit I shall...here goes:
I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when...and then...whoop there it was.
“Hi Omi...I noticed in your 200-day journal that you never mention your mom...
Is she alive?...If so, which one is she in your pictures?..."
Eeek! gasp! pearl clutch! 🙀 - all of the feelings
Why? Because, well as you can tell by the title...my mom wasn’t there.
I knew I wanted to talk about it with you all, make that needed to talk about it, but I didn’t want to be bitchy or ranty because that helps no one. I’m not interested in shitting on my mother and putting that energy out there because, well, I believe it always comes back and I’m not perfect in anyone’s eyes (including my own, more on that later too) and I’d hate a rant post to be done to me.
💕Side bar: Has anyone ever searched “my mom’s a bitch” on Google? Don’t lie Bridefriend... NO?!? Oh that’s just me? Well…I did it for research and there’s actually some entertaining and informational stuff out there in the interwebs if that’s your vibe.
That google search confirmed my feeling that ranting here would be a waste of energy and has been done. Annnd I’m actually in a great place about it since it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve spoken to my mom and coming up on 3 years since my destination wedding. And I can’t count, the hundreds, if not thousands of dollars in therapy that have been invested in myself over that time. Not a perfect place. Just a great enough place to speak clearly and intelligently on it.
And my biggest reason for wanting to share this is to highlight allll of the good shit that came out of my experience. That’s why I do what I do! As I always say,
“I’m learning these lessons the hard way planning my destination wedding,
so why not share the wealth?"
Hard way, check! Wealth sharing, currently in progress…
So let’s talk about my takeaways because I’m putting on my wise old Bridefriend veil and my Big DESTISister heels and she’s feelin’ super cute right now…
Okay here’s the quick and dirty:
My mom didn’t come to my destination wedding.
And I lived. I had the best weekend of my life.
She is alive, she was invited, shit got real, and she didn’t come to my wedding.
And it was the best decision FOR ME. Emphasis on FOR ME.
And did I say that I lived?
And speaking of truth…
This is probably also a great time to make it clear that I am NOT a doctor, therapist or psychologist or mental health professional by any stretch of reality or the imagination. This post is simply my opinions and experiences and although I speak quite definitively of topics related to mental health, this is an opinion and should not be confused for or taken as a diagnosis from a professional.
I’m simply highly opinionated. #therapyrocks!
So what happened?
I LEARNED A LOT! About myself and life. Life lessons galore!
Along my motherless destination wedding planning journey, I’ve come across and gone through some phases, principles epiphanies and concepts that have helped me along the way. I believe something in here will undoubtedly help you no matter where you are in your own journey.
Some of it is simpler basics, and others will require some deep soul searching in the mirror when your fiancé is away type of reflection. Certain parts could be common knowledge and others will blow your socks right. the fuck. off. You may take only 1 with you and throw the rest away...but then come back 2 years down the road when you’re ready for another. I’ll be here. You may hate me or love me in the end. I’m hoping for the love, because
ALL OF IT IS MEANT TO BE HELPFUL.
To end this disclaimer, know that this is meant to be support for you with your parent(s)...or really any strained relationships, but I’m keeping this mother centric because...well, titles...but feel free to sub out mom/mother for any other title and do you boo boo!
So let’s jump in!
My Mom Skipped My Destination Wedding - Here’s What I Learned…ABC Style!
Anxiety
Anxiety is a bitch and you can’t let her get the best of you.
Destination wedding planning stress is anxiety food. And unchecked anxiety will spin out of control, making you feel like life is out of control. Bitch almost stopped me from writing this post. It took me 8 months to get this to you. But we gotta check her.
How? Gotta name these feelings to treat them.
Enter Dr. Gloria Willcox’s "The Feelings Wheel". I use mine often and even gave it a special shout out on Day 121 - This is experience speaking.
This is "The Feelings Wheel" by Dr. Gloria Willcox, it helps to identify the root of feelings by tracing back to one of the main emotions in the center of the chart.
Boundaries
Setting boundaries is necessary. Really fucking hard, but necessary.
Planning a destination wedding naturally forces you to develop your own set of personal boundaries - with your planner, Bridefriends, guests, family, coworkers, strangers, partner - really anyone you come in contact with - especially yourself. And enforcing said boundaries with your mother is probably the hardest job in childbiz. Know that setting new boundaries is healthy and goes a long way in making sure that your wedding planning experience and life happens on your terms.
Codependency
It’s not your job to make other people happy and healthy.
I always thought it was my job to make sure that others were okay. They’re okay, I’m okay. The Lies!
There’s a word for this: I was codependent.
I learned that I am responsible for my own happiness - and that’s a full-time job in itself. I can’t control others and don’t want the responsibility of managing anyone’s emotions but my own.
This book was a life-changer - I recommend the audiobook...it’s good, pinky swear.
Depression
Depression runs in the family and when it hits, it hits hard.
I’ve struggled with depression for a large portion of life and planning a destination wedding provides a great distraction. It’s easier to mask pain when you have sooo many other things to give your attention to - until you don’t.
Do moms cause depression? Hmmm...no? Well, maybe. But not intentionally. Epigenetics suggest that family trauma including depression is inherited.
My depression may never go away, but it’s getting easier to identify and attack before the damage settles. If you think you may suffer from depression, don’t play - get help.
Eco-system
You have the power to control and protect your environment.
I’m super selective about what I let inside my life...at times characterized as being closed off or selfish, but best described as Preserving MY ECO-SYSTEM.
MY eco-system is made up of people who respect and value me and my relationship, welcoming honesty and encouraging growth. It’s a physically, financially and emotionally stable household, loving, supportive and positive actions. It’s my safe space. And it’s a sensitive space. I understand that the introduction of unhealthy behavior, relationships, and energies actually threaten its lifecycle - What we surround ourselves with can have dire consequences. Bullshit drama and unloving actions of any kind are not welcome here.
What’s in your eco-system?
Family
A family is a system and any disruption of a system comes with consequences.
What you’d love to be just between you and your mother will most likely stretch further into the family. But what you are willing to do for your own health and happiness may not be understood or appreciated by your family. Opinions will be shared and alliances forged.
via @desti.land
And something that I hadn’t placed much thought in was also the fact that if I decided to cut ties, that decision would apply additional pressure on siblings - causing them unintentional, but still very real discomfort and frustration.
Your reasons are your own, but they can affect others and I wouldn’t be a true Bridefriend if I didn’t warn you that you could end up the ostracized one in the end. It could really go either way.
Gratitude
There’s a huge difference between gratitude and guilt.
Don’t be ungrateful...ohhh, this one here.
It was hard to raise you, money was tight, you were a difficult child, she was a single mom, she walked 50 miles barefoot in the snow to go to school - all of it...WE GET IT!
But sacrificing yourself and your future because of the past are costs you shouldn’t budget for.
That’s not gratitude, that’s guilt - another G word, by the way.
via @desti.land
Guilt used to manipulate is harmful and is often packaged in a gratitude box because it looks and sounds prettier - but don’t be fooled.
Get grateful for the current. Your loving partner, the life you’re building and the privilege of being able to plan a destination wedding. Not everyone can do this, so appreciate that shit. That’s gratitude.
Her Side of the Story Doesn’t Matter
You gotta end the unhealthy cycle in dysfunctional relationships.
There are 2 sides to every story and I learned that neither are worth the drama.
See, there’s this bitch called the Drama Triangle (aka Karpman Triangle). She has 3 points (because, triangle) - Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. These are roles, not people which means that we (people in conflict) can play musical chairs in these roles and power struggle by sliding from one to the next - inflicting pain and taking it back until the cows come home.
It’s addictive, but so damaging - as addictive things usually are. Cut that shit out.
And yes - pettiness counts!
Insecurity
You are not worthless. And don’t forget it.
Insecurity plagues us all, especially women, and most definitely if your relationship with the one woman whose primary job is to nurture your physical and emotional growth is fractured.
via @desti.land
Insecurity latches on to as many life events as possible, always sure to whisper sweet horribilities in your ear…
I mean, if my own mother doesn’t see the value in me and is willing to not be in my life - how worthless am I? Turns out, not worthless at all. I just had to remind myself and seek out assistance from my bomb ass support system.
Self-confidence doesn't just happen. It takes work. Every. Single. Day.
Jealousy and other Toxic Mother/Daughter Behaviors
Mothers can be toxic too.
I’m sure this will rub someone the wrong way but I’m saying it anyway. Life happens to people. Moms are people. And as it turns out, mother/daughter relationships are susceptible to toxic behaviors and patterns.
Like mothers who are:
Dismissive,
Controlling,
Unavailable/Abandoners,
Enmeshed/Vicarious,
Combative,
Unreliable,
Self-involved/Narcissists, and
Role-reversed
Mothers are human and imperfect creatures - WE ALL ARE. Refusing to acknowledge this fact does us all a disservice. This is just reality and experience of many children in this world.
Know that NOTHING is permanent
Your destination wedding is just an event.
via @desti.land
It’s the most gloriously amazingly best thing to ever happen to you right now, but it’s still just an event. It’s not a marker for the end of the world and anyone - including your mother missing your destination wedding doesn’t mean that you’ll NEVER see/speak to/reconnect/reconcile in the future. Just as it doesn’t mean you’ll be lifelong BFFs with every guest.
Think of it as a snapshot in time.
And coming up on my 3rd wedding anniversary, I can tell you that many more snapshots are in store for you.
So be open - not to bullshit...fuck the bullshit, and fuck the Oreos too cuz #weddinggowngoals… but be open to life shifting and growth.
Because nothing, nothing, NOTHING is permanent - unless you want it to be.
Love Languages
What’s love to you may not translate as love to me.
In a random lightbulb moment (don’t we all have those?), I realized that if we all have LOVE LANGUAGES that express how we give and receive love, then it could be useful if applied to all relationships, including that of me + mom.
That lightbulb shined a tad too late for me, but maybe it could help you.
Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz with your spouse and send it to your Bridefriends and key family members too.
My Love Languages are Quality Time and Receiving Gifts. Emphasis on Quality Time - what are yours?
Mortality
We don’t sell ourselves short because people might die.
What if your mom dies and you regret not having her in your wedding?
Here’s your rebuttal: “What if I die and my mother regrets never being the mother that I needed her to be? What if I die a miserable child that never could choose my own health and happiness because of my mother? What if I die always wishing I could’ve had my dream destination wedding, but didn’t because of my mother’s selfish hang ups?”
Need I go on? Because I will.
BOTTOM LINE: We’re focusing on life right now. Agreed Bridefriend?
New New
You don’t HAVE TO do the work, you GET TO do the work
via @desti.land
Desti weddings provide a seemingly never-ending to-do list. It’s all on you and if we let ourselves, we can go down a rabbit hole of negativity. But don’t forget that we’re working for The Great Life!
On Day 23, I learned the importance of focusing on what is gained instead of lost - New Life, New Goals, New Priorities and changed my language.
It’s about the New New baby!
Opportunity
You can’t make people do the right thing. But you CAN give them the opportunity to do the right thing.
via @desti.land
I am NOT saying that everyone deserves a shot (or second shot), because I’m a respecter of boundaries (see above) and I also know there are levels to the toxic mother/daughter relationship (see above again), but don’t sleep on the power of opportunity.
You never know how things will work out.
If it goes well, great!
If it goes bad, at least you can say that you tried.
And sometimes you need that last straw situation to provide a painful comfort in knowing that you did your best.
Preparation
You must prepare yourself for what can go wrong.
You can bet your sweetDESTIAss that I was worried about how I’d feel on my wedding day. So I prepped my ass OFF.
It’s better to be proactive than reactive so, instead of avoiding, attack it:
via @desti.land
See a professional
Read books
Take notes
Roleplay with your hubby or a Bridefriend
And prepare for questions
I was ready for the questions...all but the catalyst for this post. I wasn’t ready for that one. But I’m working through it now and sharing it with you so - progress! (another P word. I’m on a roll here.)
Annnd you’re reading this post, so you’re already taking steps in the right direction. Right on my sistah!
Quality Relationships
Surrounding yourself with quality relationships is a game-changer.
When you do, something funny happens...
the more you’re accustomed to people treating you with respect and valuing you as a person, the harder it gets to accept anything less. Then you get the “oh you think you’re too good for us” or “you forgot where you came from” bullshit.
To that, I say, Yup!
I know I deserve to be treated with respect and refuse to be a part of YOUR drama and bad behavior because guess what: I know what quality relationships look and feel like.
Maybe if they knew better they’d do better too.
Reality Checks
Keeping it real with yourself is not optional.
When life is good, your glasses get rosy. All is well in the world, nothing can go wrong, people are perfect and your destination wedding is the center of the universe. Sorry Desti, time for a reality check!
SNAP OUT OF IT.
What is your life like? What is their life like? And who are people...reeeally?
People are gonna be who they are and the fact that you’re planning a destination wedding will not make a zebra change its stripes.
When you get real, you gain clarity. And with clarity comes confidence...and fewer surprises.
Sentimental
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t miss my mom
because I did...and at times, I still do. Random memories pop her into my mind, milestones pass and Mother’s Day happens every fucking year. Hell, I chose a wedding gown that I KNOW my mom would’ve loved.
via @destiland
So its true.
I DO get sad that I don’t have the relationship I wish I had and think I deserve - I’m human and sensitive about my shit.
Does that make me throw everything else I value out the window? Nope, it just means that sometimes I get sentimental.
Therapy
Therapy is hard work, but oh so worth it.
Add a therapist to your destination wedding team...and then can keep it going. I’ve had mine for years and she was incredibly helpful in my destination wedding countdown days. I couldn’t imagine going through these times without her - it’d be...ugly.
via @desti.land
I know it’s easier to make up excuses to not go to therapy than to actually put in the work. But taking the time to heal ourselves of emotional and mental trauma is the best thing we can spend our energy on.
I read somewhere that people in therapy often go to therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.
I'll just leave that there.
Unconditional Love
Unconditional love doesn’t hurt - it feels great.
via @desti.land
Learning that it’s okay to express my feelings, have my wants and needs, enforce boundaries, make mistakes or just plain disagree with a loved one - and still be loved, respected and supported was an amazing gift.
A hard to receive and remember I own at times kind of gift, but I’m lucky to have that problem AND a spouse that’s willing to keep reminding me that it’s mine whenever I forget.
And I now understand how to appreciate someone despite (and sometimes because of) their flaws, mistakes, or bad ideas, and to judge individuals solely based on how they treat me, not based on how I benefit from them.
Mutual empathy and support just because of who I am?!? A girl can get used to this.
Venting
If you gotta blow off steam, do it responsibly.
via @desti.land
All Bridefriends are not created equal so watch out with this one and choose your ventee carefully.
Make sure they:
Are the right person for this issue,
Have your best interest at heart,
Will keep your conversation private,
Are in a good space to listen to you,
And understand what you need - do you need a fixer or listener?
And PUH-LEASE don’t text vent...we don’t drink and we drive and don’t vent text either. Trust me on this one.
Wedding
The wedding will be here before you know it!
The clock on the wedding planning countdown seems long, but it ticks quickly!
via blackdesti.com
Make enjoyment your mission because this wedding of yours is special and you’re not getting another one (unless your Jackie Christie) so enjoy this time and bask in all your DESTI wedded glory!
Journal like I did (privately works too),
Talk to everyone about it,
Celebrate your milestones along the way,
And try to make the hard parts fun too.
Your wedding will be filled with supportive faces - so the great time is there for you if you want it. Shift your focus on the wedded endgoal which is what?
Say it with me:
TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE, PLANNING THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE!
Xerox
Don’t forget where you came from.
via @Amazon!
Okay so this one was tricky - I needed an X word because I’ve made it so far! Stick with me here…it makes sense.
Remembering your past provides an opportunity to memorialize your growth and also, pain. And what’s great for memory preservation? Xerox copies! YAYYY!
As They say, Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. George Santayana, poet + philosopher is They.
So keep a physical or mental Xerox memory of WHY you are where you are. And anytime you’re quizzed, judged or waver about your decision you can literally or figuratively go back to your file - more magic.
You Matter
Two Words: You Matter
My mantra!
I share this with everyone in the middle of difficult decisions especially my Desti Brides because balancing what other people want/need/think, with what do YOU want/need/think is no easy feat.
You gotta put your oxygen mask on first so if there comes a time to choose sides, choose yourself. And you know who else will be on your side? Your spouse. And if you need a reminder, hit me up too! I’m here for the You Matter Chatter all day.
ZERO TOLERANCE
We all need non-negotiables!
A wedding (or life) without non-negotiables is the Wild Wild West. There’s confusion and chaos and thennn when the crazy stuff starts to pop off and everyone is surprised at your flip out - you can only be mad at yourself.
We discussed boundaries, but there are levels and non-negotiable boundaries are where the gold is.
With boundaries, you have wood and chainlink fences, barbed wire, glass panels and brick walls...Or think about it big bad wolf style - you get my point. The non-negotiables are your brick walls...the lines that cannot be crossed. Don’t make me go on here, I’m running out of words. Just nod so I know you’re with me.
Okay, great.
Decide what you ABSOLUTELY will not allow, communicate it to all interested parties and then make it clear that you’re instituting a zero-tolerance policy. And enforce said policy.
I can’t do this one for you, well I can’t do any of this for you...wellll maybe a few things, but I don’t know how happy you’ll be cuz I’m about to call myself a bitch…so, yeah.
BONUS! Because 27 is better than 26.
The bond needs to match the title.
In the wise words of the DESTIBeauty Pro who happens to also be my awesomesauce Bridefriend, Ivory Perkins, “The bond needs to match the title.”
Look: All mother/daughter relationships are not created equal. Crazy idea, I know, but we’ve been over this. For many kids, the idea of being estranged from their mother is equivalent to capital punishment or death by acid drip.
But titles are earned.
And that goes for both mother and daughter. If a person isn’t honoring their own title, then why would I? Just because you have a title, it doesn’t mean you must be treated with a blind level or honor and respect, especially when you’re not honoring your own damn title. That’s a dictatorship.
And my life isn’t a dictatorship - or maybe it is, but I’m the Bitch. Okay, wait... this can get sticky, let me get back to my point:
A mutual bond and respect for titles is in order. Plain and simple.
NOW I KNOW MY ABC’S!
Learning to be there for myself is the best gift I could have earned and I never would have thought that this would happen to me. In all of this, I went through a hell of a lot of self-discovery and most importantly, I’ve learned to love and fight for the woman that I love - Omi.
Do I love my mother? Absolutely.
Do I think she loves me? If I’m being honest - it depends on which day you’re asking me. My mom could think she loves me, or maybe she just loves me in her own way, or it’s even possible that she hates me. I honestly don’t know and may never know.
But that’s the point of this entire post, it doesn’t matter how she feels about me. What does matter is how I feel about myself.
WHAT I DO KNOW is that I’m a Smart, Complex, Beautiful, Sensitive, Genuinely Loving and Phenomenal Woman. (RIP Maya Angelou) Every day I gain a clearer understanding of who I am and what I stand for and I look forward to finding out more and more about myself every day.
Although I didn’t have my mother with me at my destination wedding, I know that this is what I needed. It broke me down and pushed me to build myself up in ways that I never could have imagined. I came out a harder, better, faster stronger woman on the other side.
What I also know is that I have certain needs that I wouldn’t say she’s not capable of...I’d just say she’s not ready to take them on right now...And I’m okay with that.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough, not worthy of love, or a bad person...it just means my mom didn’t come to my destination wedding.
I lived to talk about it, and so will you.
Destination wedding, check! Self-discovery + love project... still in progress.
xx,
Omi
💕Hey Destis + Bridefriends!
Hope you enjoyed this post!
If you did, please let me know in the comments below 👇🏾
and share it with anyone who you think needs this.
Sharing is caring!
More feelings posts are coming soon!